Oct 27, 2011 is the day my family and i will never forget...
Growing up in an old school Hispanic family is not always something I am proud to talk about.. Although i love my heritage, some of my father's way of thinking and set in stone ways i wish we could have done without!.
Seeing my father come home drunk from Thursday to Sat was as natural as Monday night football to my older brother and I. The yelling of both my parents and and my brother covering my ears was just one more of my father drunken nights.
My mother was and has always been a very hard working citizen, she was always with my brother and i at home if she was not working, while my father.. well was out and about.
We grew up knowing and thinking that drinking was a way to bond and that nothing wrong would come of it as long as "we knew how to slow it down", well.. 15 yrs later my oldest brother was caught in the battle of not knowing how to suppress his depression, anxiety and alcoholism.
I being 2 yrs younger then him have always had a sense of needing to be mature and take care of everyone, I always put myself last and my family first, as I have always watched my mother do.
I took care of my brother for 3 yrs, let him live with my family and I, if not gave him money for food, rent and what ever extras.. I thought that by helping and supporting him financially i was doing what i was suppose to as his sister.
He got in trouble on June 23, 2008 in Las Vegas for drinking and driving, it had been his 3rd DUI offense since he learned how to drive.
Through courts, legal fees and family problems i stood by his side, not knowing that by handing him what he needed was only going to make things worst in the long run.
I had later learned that through my brother's childhood he was a victim of emotional abuse by my father, my mother would take out her frustration's out on him when my father would beat her, he was a loved child but the love that only guilt can give. My parent's divorced on their 17yr anniversary, something my brother never came to terms with.
His head was filled with many confusions, not knowing if someone really loved him or it was all in the name of pity.
Doing a DUI program in Las Vegas for almost a year and a half he gave up, he couldn't control his urge for drinking and left without permission back to our home town of Phoenix AZ.
Once there he realized he had made a mistake, my father stuck in his old ways of drinking and fighting and emotionally abusing him again.
(If i had done something about the time's he called crying out for help, I figured tough love is the solution... boy was i WRONG!)
On Oct 27, 2011 my father calls me from work frighten as can be because no one can find my brother and my father's truck is missing... everyone in our family was searching for him, even family in Northern CA.
My father calls me crying saying there has been a fatal accident and one of the Vehicles involved seemed exactly like his pickup truck and he heard it was fatal, now both of us crying and shaking came to terms that maybe it was just a coincidence and that my brother was possibly at a friends house drunk asleep.
Oct 28, 2011 came, it was a Friday early afternoon when my father and I were so desperate that I myself called the Police department and had to ask the question we were avoiding... We wanted to know if the truck involved in fact belonged to my father... answer given was " a detective will get in contact with you" so we let it be for the moment.
My father calls me about one hour later crying like i have never heard a grown man cry, for some reason the thought of my brother dying never came to my mind, it was more of, was HE the cause of the fatal accident.... Sure enough.. IT WAS.
On Oct 27, 2011 My oldest Brother (whom I love and Adore with all my heart) was in fact the cause of a fatal Vehicle accident, where 4 people including him, were rushed to the hospital, one woman died at the scene.
The craziest thing that we would NEVER imagine was that the people he hit, were our aunts.
For some unexplained reason of faith in our lives it so happened that when he struck the first car it was our aunt's waiting for the red light to go green, to make things worst, my aunt involved always took care of him, Loved him unconditional, gave him more support then both my parent's ever did, their friend who was traveling in their vehicle passed away (cant go into details, due to Legal matter's).
He is now in jail looking to do time for what he did. I will never no matter who and how much I love them support Drinking and Driving.
The person I would have sleepless night's for, the one I long to take care of, my children's favorite person, wont see them grow up, wont have a family, all because we didn't get him the help he truly needed.
I resent the attitude i had towards his addiction, I didn't know nor Understand what he was going through, he was and has been a damage soul for so long, and everyone looked past it.
People never realize the emotional wreck the family behind the person responsible for an accident goes through.
We feel more guilt not only for our family member, but for the Children and family left behind from the person Deceased.
My life doesn't seem the same at all anymore, I feel like I cant do no good, is this a way of punishment?
Was this a lesson? Because trust me I am paying with my emotion's and Conscious.
I cant sleep at night, I cant stop crying, or thinking of the "What If's"!..
Holding my tears back when i pick up my phone to that dreadful collect call from jail, and the fake person that comes out of me to tell you, "thing's are gonna get better".
I guess that is Life after Tragedy...
